Missing my friend

I lost my dearest friend on earth on May 4, 2014. It's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with, second only to losing my son, and my grandmother, in 1993. LeRae was more than just a friend - she was also my business partner, my confidant, and a sister I had always wanted. We were so much alike, yet different in so many ways, but we both had a love of photography that not only cemented our friendship, but took us on many fun, and amazing adventures (amazing to two country gals, like ourselves). 

It's hard to lose someone you talked to every day. Someone you looked up to, counted on, and loved. Before LeRae, and I became such good friends, I had spent most of my time alone, as my husband works oilfield (as did her fiancé), and is gone the majority of the time. I was used to being alone, and I was ok with it. But after having such a good friend to hang with, being alone is hard. I've forgotten how to do that. I sometimes find myself wandering aimlessly around the house, wondering what I'm supposed to do with myself. I want to text her, call her, hear her voice. I want her to take road trips with me, give me advice, tell me to suck it up when I'm feeling sorry for myself, or just sit, and listen when I simply need someone to talk to. I want to share my joys, my fears, and sorrows, and the pictures I took with her. I miss that so much. So very much.

It's really hard to put into words the depth of this loss for me. It's like losing half of myself. Probably my better half. LeRae always had a way of making me feel better, no matter what was going on in my life, and I'm pretty sure I did that for her, too. We had so much in common with our kids, our oilfield life, and our photography. We both knew loss very well. We both knew loneliness, but we both had a toughness that comes from those losses, and that aloneness. And we had fun together. I've never had anyone make me laugh as much as she did - laugh hard enough I'd have to pull over to the side of the road to wipe the tears from my eyes, and wait for my sides to quit hurting. That, I will miss forever. 

Not a day goes by I don't think about my friend. There are days I miss her so much it makes me ache physically. You can't lose someone that special, and not have it affect your every day life. You just can't, because there's a hole in the middle of your soul nothing else can fill. But I know she's still with me in many ways. I can feel her presence around me, and at times, I think I can faintly hear her voice telling me to keep going. Keep moving forward. So I try to do that. 

So. . . . for however long it takes for me to get my head right again, I'm going to use this blog as an outlet for my grief, and as a place to share the memories of my dear friend. I have several letters I penned to her in the weeks following her death, and I may, or may not publish them here. I may not write often, but I will when the need arises. I hope ya'll don't mind.